I don’t really know where to start with this, so I’m going to start with a little bit of info about me and how I came to realise that I have an issue with alcohol misuse.
I’m a 40 year old (give or take a few years) married mum with a few children. If I try and describe myself it would be the usual shit you might read on a bog standard CV, something along the lines of: fun, outgoing, confident blah blah but that’s not really me. Deep down I’m shy, don’t like being the centre of attention, sometimes anxious and therefore I cope with social situations by drinking (a lot)
I want to make it clear I’m NOT an alcoholic but I do have a massive problem with the way my body deals with alcohol and it’s really started to play on my mind the last few years. I could never put my finger on what my issue is with alcohol UNTIL I happened to listen to a radio show recently about dealing with alcohol misuse. Normally I listen to these things and it goes over my head, I feel sorry for people who are alcohol dependent and almost smugly think how lucky I am that I don’t have a problem with alcohol! Until one lady was talking about herself and how she would drink and blackout ALL the time & I suddenly stopped what I was doing and listened to her. Everything she said struck a cord, And I could fully identify with all she was saying.
Like me she didn’t crave alcohol, she wouldn’t wake up in the mornings wanting a drink, she didn’t drink daily, didn’t drink alone but she did drink in a lot of social situations and every time she would blackout. I now realise my body & brain doesn’t deal with alcohol in a way it does for probably 70% of other people. Until recently I didn’t really grasp the fact that when my friends drink, virtually non of them have blackouts or even brownouts. Some people I’ve met tell me that maybe once or twice in their lifetime they’ve blacked out but virtually every time almost since I started drinking I will blackout. I loose huge chunks of the night. Sometimes if I’m lucky I’ll have memories of snippets of the evening (this is a brownout)but largely the whole thing is a blank. I’ll even forget parts of what I did in the hours before I started drinking. I honestly believed that this was the norm, that my mates suffered the same, I refused to believe it was because I was drinking a bit more than my mates and also my body doesn’t deal with it the same way as other people.
If I’m brutally honest I would always drink more than most of my friends, I drink fast, literally whatever I’m drinking be it a pint of beer, glass of wine, cocktail or long drink i wouldn’t ever be able to make it last longer than 15 minutes. I can only ever remember a handful of times where I’ve gone out and not had less than 2 drinks, and those occasions have been recent. Prior to two years ago I think it almost never happened.
The reason I drink is most probably the same as 90% of the population, to boost my confidence in social situations, make me seem fun and a bit crazy? Break down barriers and get to know people I may not normally talk to. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had some fucking amazing nights out, I just don’t remember exactly what happened and rely on other people to fill me in, I’ve also had some bloody awful nights out & ended up in some scary situations. I’ve been partly responsible for a whole pub being locked in for our own safety while some nutter I offended went off on one outside. I don’t always like the person I become when I’ve had a few drinks, I can be a total bitch to my husband, who normally fills me in the next day, and I can insult people closest too me. On the whole I now realise that booze is not my friend, that I may sometimes be a bit more ‘fun’ but actually I’m a bit of a liability when I’m drunk. I’ve finally got to the stage in my life that if people don’t like me when I’m sober then being pissed will make them like me even less. I’m finally happy in my own skin and while I still get anxious in social situations I’m no longer going to drink my way through it. Take me as you find me, I’ve a handful of friends who like me as me and I’ve a family who love me just the way I am.
For my fabulous mates, you can now count on me to always be the designated driver.
Thank you for reading and I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced the same as myself xxx
My life 